Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Why I'm Okay With Getting Older

A couple of wks ago I turned 33...for a lot of people (especially women...even more so single unmarried women lol) I think this could be considered a pretty scary time.  I mean I think this is officially the last year I can claim to be in my "early 30s"...after this I think I enter mid 30s...(who knows next year how I'm going to feel about that one lol).

A lot of people have told me I look young for my age which of course I'll take as a compliment.  I believe this in part is due to good genetics and a healthy lifestyle...but I can't deny being a makeup artist doesn't hurt the cause ;)  I've even had a lot of guys tell me I should start lying about my age because I'm going to start limiting my dating options...I personally think this is fucking bullshit for a couple of reasons.  1. Why is being 33 a detractor - I'm established in my career, have a good sense of myself and a good amount of life experience to make me a valuable partner among other things 2. I'm way more confident and comfortable in my skin than I have been at any age in my life so why would I lie about my age 3. I'd really rather look like a smoking hot, young 33 year old than a "27 yr old" who looks her age lol!

I'm actually okay w/ the fact that I turned 33.  I've pretty much always been okay every year w/ getting a little bit older.  I've realized I think a lot of this comes down to where I am in my life at that point in time.  Am I happy w/ my life? Do I feel like I'm moving forward, achieving my goals, making the most of things?...if the answers to these questions are overall positive then I guess I'm okay w/ adding another year on to things.

I've also realized it's better to not look at "what you thought your life would be like"...I can definitely tell you that no part of my life is "what I thought it would be" if you would have asked me when I was a teenager...hell I don't think I thought my life would be like this 10 years ago...or even 5 years ago so who knows lol!  That's not to say my ideas of my future were better or worse...they were just different.  I mean in high school if someone had told me I'd moved to Shanghai, China and work as a makeup artist there for 8 mths I probably would have laughed or backpacked through India or done have half the things I've done...and that's what's so cool.  As we get older we keep experiencing new things and using those experiences to enrich and enlighten our lives now.  I know for a fact my 18 yr old self would not recognize my 33 yr old self...but I'd like to think she'd think she's pretty fucking cool lol!

Now it's not always been sunshine and rainbows with regards to getting older for me.  I remember one birthday in particular I was not happy....when I turned 28.  This to me was when I officially entered my "late 20s" and to be perfectly honest I was not at all happy w/ the direction my life was taking at that point.  I was broke, gathering debt, in a relationship I wasn't very happy to be in and my career was not going in the direction I wanted it to go...I think when I was younger I just imagined my life would be so different at 28...I'm pretty sure I thought I'd at least have my shit together enough to have a decent job or be married or something lol.  When in fact in that particular year I think I felt like I was regressing more than any other point in my life and actually felt pretty trapped to be perfectly honest...and it was pretty scary b/c I didn't know how I was going to get myself out of it.

Thankfully I did get out of it and I think a big turning point was leaving the relationship I was in at that time b/c after that everything seemed to get a little more possible and I started to see things in a different light.  It's so funny how relationships have a way of doing that to us.  I mean they really don't just affect our personal lives they infiltrate every part of our lives whether we want them to or not!

This past year I sort of had a situation like that w/ another relationship I was in.  It was NOTHING like that other relationship and I loved and cared for this person a lot but it was just not working for various reasons no matter how much I tried or how many nice things I tried to do I couldn't overcome this person's issues and it was actually making me miserable (I didn't even realize how miserable until after).  It was holding me back in life and I wasn't doing anything I wanted to do because I was living my life for them and making every decision w/ them in mind, trying to make them happy and change their mind/opinion about certain situations.  You'd think by 32 (almost 33 lol) I'd have learned better but matters of the heart are tricky lol.

It really sucks when I look back b/c I think it was literally paralyzing me and my ability to get shit done.  I couldn't concentrate, move forward, do things for my business etc.  That's not to say my business was failing but I wasn't taking the necessary steps to move it forward like I had wanted b/c all of my attention was on this person and our relationship.  I also wasn't going out, being social or doing things hoping to prove my devotion, accountability and trustworthiness.  I wasn't taking trips b/c I was waiting for them to go on trips with me...I also felt like me taking a trip alone or w/ a friend would be some sort of violation or example of how I wasn't trying anymore to make it work....yes...this all sounds pretty stupid and pathetic to me now as it's not really the person I aspire to be but it's funny how you don't really see it all going on until you're outside of the situation. I just kept thinking if I tried a little more and gave it a bit more time it would go back to the way it was...but eventually I realized that wasn't true.

It's been a couple mths since that realization and even though I'll admit 32 might not have been the best of years for me (although it started out pretty awesome w/ a lot of optimism, love and hope) I'm definitely trying to make the most of these last couple of mths of 2014!

The last couple of mths I feel like I've actually made up a lot of ground for the year!  I've been getting
in shape and I'd have to say I'm probably in the best shape I've been in since Shanghai, China (if not better)...and yes you know what I might be a little vain and boastful and put a few too many selfies on instagram but you know what FUCK IT..I'm proud of my accomplishments so why can't I share them w/ others.  I've not always been proud or happy w/ the way I've looked...for years in fact I've usually had a lot of self doubt and been pretty uncomfortable or unhappy w/ things so to be happy now why shouldn't I celebrate Goddammit!  And yes, maybe I am looking for attention and adoration from others but really is that the worst thing in the world...doesn't everyone like a bit of attention or to be told good job?I actually found a picture of myself from my 24th b-day on Facebook and I was just so thrilled w/ the fact that I looked BETTER now than me there are a lot of 33 year olds that cannot claim this to be true.  I am in fact getting better with age ;)

But it's not just about looks of course.  I actually just accomplished another one of my goals a couple of wks ago too!  I ran a half marathon!  It's crazy to think that my first run ever was literally my 32 b-day - it was 5 km and I thought I was going to die lol!  Literally a year later I was running a half marathon.  I wanted to be under 2 hours but came in at 2:02 which isn't bad of course and there's always next year ;)  I've been having some bad knee issues and I would have been under 2 hrs but at 17 k my knee just couldn't take any more and I had to slow down a lot unfortunately.  But still at 31 if you had told me I'd run a half marathon at one point I'd probably have laughed!

Plus I've booked another trip - 3 wks backpacking in Central America!  It's been way too long since my last trip - Singapore/Malaysia in Feb/Mar 2013 so I'm very excited to get out there and start experiencing and seeing the world again!  I'm excited too to be taking back my life and
not waiting anymore for the "right person" to travel with.  Would I love to actually travel with someone - yes, of course...but I can't just keep waiting on someone.  I feel in a lot of ways women tend to do this sort of thing a lot more than men and it's really a shame.
And even though I might not have felt like I was pushing my career enough this year (I totally could have done more).  I'm happy to say that it is surpassing last years goals.  I've booked more weddings this year than last and my sales are up from last year too...I've actually already surpassed last years sales so it's all gravy now lol...well not really...I am kind of wondering where a lot of that gravy has gone this year lol!

It's funny I've had it in my mind to do this blog post for a couple of wks now and like many things I kept putting it off...I really do need to work on my procrastination.  But it's actually rewarding and somewhat uplifting to see things written done in front of me and to really realize even if it's not everything I wanted I have made progress this year and I should be proud to be another year older b/c it's allowed me to gain another year of experiences and therefore be another year wiser...and I am optimistic as to what this next year will bring!